A Parent’s Guide To Putting Your Child Into Sports They’re Fucking IG News

Irshadgul News report,

The essence of having children is to expel the ghosts of one’s childhood failures through them. Here’s how to force them to participate in games they’ll hate just as much as you did.

soccer

You dreamed of being the next Gaza, but you were bullshit in football and as a result the urine spilled all over you. Hate the beautiful game by bullying your child to try it out for the school team, and then spend every Saturday morning at the touchline screaming like Roy Keane, even if it’s just a practice match.

swimming

How impressed and jealous would your friends be if your child turned out to be an Olympic medalist like Tom Daly or Rebecca Adlington? Even if your child is afraid of water, insist on throwing them at the deep end — literally — to force them to learn to swim. The sheer embarrassment of being rescued by a lifeguard will probably put them away, so persistence is key, even if they don’t stop crying.

rugby

If you have a detached home and an outdoor pizza oven, you’d probably consider keeping a professional footballer as a little nuff for a child. Instead, push your younger, bookish child into the physical horror of rugby, despite their protests that they don’t want them to be trampled twice a week in the grime by older kids. You’ll thank me when I’m older, you say, putting an ice pack on their black eye while they quietly plan which house they’ll put you in when they get the chance.

Tennis

You have long recognized Judy Murray’s determination to make your child an international success. The only unfortunate difference is that his kid had some innate natural talent on the tennis court, whereas you have the grace of Mr. Blobby after seven pins. Still, that won’t stop you from trying to force her to be the next Emma Radukanu, even if she sets her tennis racket on fire and then buries it in the garden.

exercise

There are many different disciplines within athletics, so your child should definitely be good at any one of them, even if he or she is currently showing more interest in coding. Appointing yourself as their personal coach will save a lot of cash on classes and ensure that you can coach them every evening and weekend, which will also save them friends and the distraction of life. After several months, he’ll still be spearfishing, and he’ll hate you too.

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